The country officially kicked off in 1775 (remember, subtract one, since the year 1619 no longer exists!), when a group of heroic men sent a letter to the manager of the establishment where they were, complaining about being charged too much for tea.
These men were perfect in every way. Even James Madison was two feet taller than he actually was. George Washington was the best of them, and he never lied, and all of his teeth were his own. He did not purchase nine teeth from enslaved people because there was no such thing as enslaved people or the number nine (it refused to leave the date 1619, so we got rid of it to show it we were not playing around). These giants easily defeated the British in the Revolutionary War without having to perform any raps whatsoever, no matter what your other history teachers try to tell you.
From then on, it was smooth sailing. Washington served two terms, which we used to think was the perfect number of terms to serve, but actually it might be okay to serve for life. In 1812, the British came back over to perform some much-needed remodeling on the White House, then left again.
Four score and five years after the founding, 11 states suddenly came up with a much better flag they thought we should use instead, and so they decided they had to leave the nation immediately. There was no other reason as far as we know, but we have not looked very hard. Some people still think they were right about the flag; you can see it today being flown as many places as possible, even on barns in states that won the war to take it down.
Abraham Lincoln was the president then, and he did something that was very important to do, and especially at that time, but not quite as much as Donald Trump. Then he sadly lost his life to an assassin’s bullet. This was bittersweet because he knew, as all patriots do, that Second Amendment rights are the most important ones to exercise. Some amendments were passed after the war, including one ending slavery, which was weird because it, again, did not exist in the first place — hence why Mississippi only got around to ratifying the amendment in 2013.
America continued to be wonderful, as it never wasn’t, until World War I, in which it did a great job under the keen eye of Woodrow Wilson, a man about whom no one need ever be ashamed. Then we had a Depression, which was Great and which we are trying to see if we can have again. Then we entered World War II, the much-awaited sequel to World War I, where we did everything right except electing Franklin D. Roosevelt, who tried his best to fill this nation with socialism. After winning the war, we continued to win, and we have not stopped winning to this day.
And … I guess that pretty much does it! Nothing further to tell. We have not had to work slowly and at great cost to realize the beautiful dream of the Founders, an ideal that millions of people never experienced but believed was worth fighting for. Flawed people have not worked steadily to make a world better than the one they lived in. It’s just a constant progress from strength to even stronger strength!
Finally, in 2016 (such an important year that we added one back to the date), we at last became great again, which we never weren’t. And then — would you look at the time! Let’s sing “My Country ‘Tis of Thee”!
Read more from Alexandra Petri: